Our family is heading into week four of isolation and I feel like I have learnt a lot already. I might go into that later. But one thing I have experienced most is anxiety. Intense, debilitating, struggling to breathe, anxiety.
I realise as I write these blogs and the audience continues to grow (thank you for that) that I am starting to open up a little more and that brings about more anxiety, but also a little relief for me. My thought process is that of, if reading other peoples things makes me feel a little better, then maybe someone else will feel better for reading this...and that feels like its worth it.
I have had anxiety for a number of years...I think since having my first baby so, ten years perhaps. It has always come and gone and is generally attached to anything that could possibly go wrong, even if the chances of that were slim to none. My baby falling off a cliff, my house burning down, not being able to make a journey without dying. That type of thing. Although it started off random and not very frequently, after a few years it developed and got more intense as well as much more personal, relating to every day tasks. The past couple of years have been full of the most intense moments where sometimes, I couldn't see a way out.
And then corona hit!
There is a virus that is killing people. You must stand two metres apart from everyone. You cannot leave your house. You also are on the shielding list so the minimum is 12 weeks indoors. You cannot see the people that you previously relied on to get you through for who knows how long.
ANXIETY!!
I don't say all this for attention. I say it because it has been eye opening for me to actually have to manage things myself when previously, I may have hidden them through work, friendship, my children or any other distraction. I also say it because, no matter what, this is a situation where even if you have never felt any anxiety previous to this, you may be doing so now. Because it is new and different and scary.
Anxiety= 'a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe' . (Oxford dictionary)
Firstly, its OK! I feel like that is the most important thing to say. It is OK. And if it isn't yet, it soon will be.
Secondly, anxiety is scary. It has the power to make you do things you wouldn't normally do. It makes you think differently. It puts everything that you feel safe and secure in, feel scary and wobbly and like you have no idea what is going on around you. It makes you feel weak and scared and vulnerable. Which, on a normal day, you know that that is OK. Feeling scared of a killer virus - understandable. Feeling weak - its normal, we work hard and are being forced to rest and we feel tired and our bodies are relaxing. Feeling vulnerable - we can see that although its hard, it isn't a bad thing. But when anxiety kicks in, all those things go out of the window and they leave us feeling scared and worried and for me, like all the work that I have previously done to 'feel better' has come crumbling down.
Why does that happen though? I've often wondered this. When I come out of the anxiety and I have done the breathing and had the husband cuddles or done whatever it is that makes me feel OK again, I sit and wonder 'wow, that was huge, and I don't even know how I got there'.
As scary as this sounds, anxiety is linked to a mental health condition. That makes sense to me. Something that triggers your brain to act differently must be, in some way, a mental condition. It is very common although because a lot of people...like me... don't often talk about it, it can leave you feeling lonely, or a little crazy on your own. An 'anxiety attack' is 'triggered' meaning that something, whether consciously or not, kicks off in your mind, automatically putting your body into a fight or flight response. Often times it can be mildly, others it can come on over time and get progressively worse, others times it can come on and WHAM, you've gone from 0-10 very quickly.I don't believe there is a set way for everyone, although there are similarities.
Fight or flight is the response your body has when it senses danger. It chooses whether or not to stay and fight, or run away. Think of seeing a bear...will you stay and fight it or run for safety!? Only, in anxiety, there is no bear. So we struggle more with it because we don't always know what we are scared of, which confuses our brain. So our body stays in limbo and the adrenaline pumps around for no apparent reason, speeding up our heart rate and confusing our mind even more. Its a physical reaction to something that might not be a physical danger. (NHS:Anxiety)
Fight or flight is the response your body has when it senses danger. It chooses whether or not to stay and fight, or run away. Think of seeing a bear...will you stay and fight it or run for safety!? Only, in anxiety, there is no bear. So we struggle more with it because we don't always know what we are scared of, which confuses our brain. So our body stays in limbo and the adrenaline pumps around for no apparent reason, speeding up our heart rate and confusing our mind even more. Its a physical reaction to something that might not be a physical danger. (NHS:Anxiety)
And that is hard to deal with on any normal given day but during corona, it's even harder to manage. Taking a walk, talking it out, meeting friends, they aren't possible anymore. So its easy to understand why it feels harder and feels like it lasts longer and feels scarier.
And whats worse, is that you can't control it. No amount of trying to be happy helps. No matter how many times someone says 'cheer up' and you genuinely try to, it still doesn't work. You can't help that all the small, normally insignificant things, feel bigger and more important than ever. And sometimes everything that normally works, doesn't.
And its OK.
If that's how you feel, I think the only thing I can offer is to say that, whilst you are in it, do what makes you comfortable. If that is reaching out, then reach out. If its snuggling up and hiding for a few days, do that . If its binge watching Netflix, then do it and don't feel guilty.
And get a friend, someone that you can confide in. On the good days, the times when you feel happy and good, let someone know what happened to you. Find people you trust. Let them know, in someway, that sometimes you struggle. Because then, right in those deepest hardest moments, you know there is someone who you know that loves you. I'm not saying you have to talk to them in these moments, but to know there is someone there, occasionally makes a difference. I should say at this point, that I am in isolation with a wonderful (most of the time) husband who is slowly beginning to recognise my anxiety. But that doesn't mean he is my chosen 'go to' person. Not because I don't think he loves me. But because I'm married to him and in my darkest times, I go through the motion of thinking 'he loves me because he has to'. It isn't ever that I don't feel his love for me, but knowing that someone who doesn't have to, still loves me, makes me feel better. I wonder if that makes any sense?!
My last point is a quick one. I have a couple of favourite words. And one of them...probably my favourite, is the word HOPE! I love everything that it entails. When you hope for something, its the beginning of an action. I think hope precedes the action. Which means, when there is Hope, there is, at some point, an action that makes that hope become a reality.
I find myself thinking of hope regularly as I go through these motions of anxiety. I hope for a healthy family- so i self isolate, wash my hands, keep my distance etc. I hope for a better world, so i send out prayers and I try to serve people. I hope for a happy future, so I work hard and spend time with those I love. In this case, I hope to have less...possibly non at all... anxiety. So I learn about it, I try to figure out what my triggers are and I remember the good days in between. I hope... because that, I feel, is all I can do. That, and support each other, serve each other and love each other.
It helps I promise!
And whats worse, is that you can't control it. No amount of trying to be happy helps. No matter how many times someone says 'cheer up' and you genuinely try to, it still doesn't work. You can't help that all the small, normally insignificant things, feel bigger and more important than ever. And sometimes everything that normally works, doesn't.
And its OK.
If that's how you feel, I think the only thing I can offer is to say that, whilst you are in it, do what makes you comfortable. If that is reaching out, then reach out. If its snuggling up and hiding for a few days, do that . If its binge watching Netflix, then do it and don't feel guilty.
And get a friend, someone that you can confide in. On the good days, the times when you feel happy and good, let someone know what happened to you. Find people you trust. Let them know, in someway, that sometimes you struggle. Because then, right in those deepest hardest moments, you know there is someone who you know that loves you. I'm not saying you have to talk to them in these moments, but to know there is someone there, occasionally makes a difference. I should say at this point, that I am in isolation with a wonderful (most of the time) husband who is slowly beginning to recognise my anxiety. But that doesn't mean he is my chosen 'go to' person. Not because I don't think he loves me. But because I'm married to him and in my darkest times, I go through the motion of thinking 'he loves me because he has to'. It isn't ever that I don't feel his love for me, but knowing that someone who doesn't have to, still loves me, makes me feel better. I wonder if that makes any sense?!
My last point is a quick one. I have a couple of favourite words. And one of them...probably my favourite, is the word HOPE! I love everything that it entails. When you hope for something, its the beginning of an action. I think hope precedes the action. Which means, when there is Hope, there is, at some point, an action that makes that hope become a reality.
I find myself thinking of hope regularly as I go through these motions of anxiety. I hope for a healthy family- so i self isolate, wash my hands, keep my distance etc. I hope for a better world, so i send out prayers and I try to serve people. I hope for a happy future, so I work hard and spend time with those I love. In this case, I hope to have less...possibly non at all... anxiety. So I learn about it, I try to figure out what my triggers are and I remember the good days in between. I hope... because that, I feel, is all I can do. That, and support each other, serve each other and love each other.
It helps I promise!
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