There are times when I question everything and times when I couldn't care less for the answers that are out there. My chest very often feels like it will burst with how much I feel and want to express, yet I struggle to articulate what I am thinking, which brings frustration. Other times it feels empty and I don't have anything to add to the conversation and I am perfectly happy with that.
On many occasions I try to make decisions. I want to plan out what I want to do for the next 25 working years ahead of me. And I get a plan together. And then I change my mind. I have been trying to figure out what I am passionate about. What really motivates me and makes me want to get up every day and go to 'work'. Sometimes I think I have found it, and then I get scared, or I think too much, or I can't see how it is possible. Or I realise that I am biting off more than I can chew.
Other days the world is my oyster and I am ready to take on anything and anyone. After a couple of months of constantly thinking about it, I don't actually think I am passionate about much. This probably doesn't really help in the decision process.
The truth is, I just don't know what is next. What is next today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. And sometimes that is really scary. And others it is OK. As much as i need to work on what I want, there are a few other things I have been working on that feel more important right now.....
-Letting go of things that have hurt me in the past
-Trusting people again
-Sharing the truth of who I am a little bit more rather than who I should be
-Asking those closest to me for some help...or more so, telling them when I feel sad or glum so that they can be ready for my emotional moments :)
-Believing in myself just a little bit more.
Some of these are easier than others but I don't want to focus on that. I just wanted to 'talk' out loud. I don't know what is next....but that's OK....it has to be.
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